The Incompleteness of Story Telling

Opening Thoughts

Whenever we tell a story to someone, including ourselves, we pick and choose what details we share and which of those details we wish to emphasise. Consequently, even though we may be retelling the same story, and it's true everytime you tell it, it may sound completely different and invoke different emotional responses from the listener.

The above is NOT a new concept.

Telling Stories

As I tell my stories, such as my deconversion for instance, or my climb out of homophobia as another example, I realize that my stories vary depending on whom I'm telling them to, my current emotional state, and the media I'm presenting them on. When I look back I can see, if the media is text, audio or video, that every word I say is true but I might be telling the story in such a way that may generate more sympathy for myself.

Reasons for Embellishment - Trans-specific example

A recent example is my regaling my transistion story to a friend on Discord. Everything I said was true; a series of vignettes that retold a life story of suppression and self-censorship. But did I tell it in such a way that may have painted some others in my story in an overly bad light to elicit undue sympathy for myself? Certainly, there are people I know who suffered more than myself, such as those who chose to transition when they were young and were around my age at the time. I might be painting myself as brave, but how brave was I? I am a coward compared to those who made the decision to transition. I honestly envy them and their courage and I wish to be as courageous as they were. But my story makes me no braver than I actually was, or wasn't.

So I sit and judge myself asking, "Why didn't I have the courage to insist on transitioning?" To run away if needed and seek it out myself, if necessary, as many of the really braves ones had done. Maybe if I had been exposed to more LGBT+ people, knew more actually trans people, perhaps I would have. I would have seen through the lies of church leaders so much sooner. I might have developed my empathy for them as a child rather than have to wait until I already was an adult. But that didn't happen. I didn't meet any openly LGBT+ people, trans people are rare as it is, media presented LGBT+, trans people in particular, as freaks and the butts of jokes, and my parents chose to shelter their children as much as possible.

But my parents couldn't keep it entirely away. They raised a prolific reader and I kept finding references in popular scientific media to transexual and transgender people that presented them as simply people. I felt my own need to transistion everytime I read on of those articles. Science fiction is full of people who undergo gender transition, and I knew that this too was my future. If I knew where to go or whom to ask I might have tranisitioned as soon as high school, certainly university. As I didn't know whom I could approach about the topic, let alone what to ask, I remained in my assigned gender and I now tell myself comforting stories of why I did so.

I experimented a bit with makeup in University, and bought the odd female garment, but put that all away when my relationship with the woman who would become my wife, and later ex, began to deepen. She always said that "I saved you" but I never learned what it was that she saved me from. All I know is that I could never completely excise the feminine from my personality and the need to express it. The man my ex needed me to be could never develop because I was never that man! I don't entirely blame her for wanting someone more aligned with her expectations of manhood, but I believed the version I brought to the relationship was a lot less toxic than what most men bring because I tried to forge my own version of manhood from my broken sense of gender, or at least that is what I tell myself. Not perfect, or free from the effects of patriarchy, but just with less evil. Now that I've given up the very idea of being a man with any kind of manhood, I hope that I left a better model for my AFAB children, if indeed I ever did, should they seek a relationship with a hetero-cis male, than what society offers.

Conclusion

My point is that my stories that I tell people are entirely factual as far as my memory can recall or I can piece together from empirical data that I've left like tidbits around my home and the internet. However, the stories are not always the same and may not always be true to the spirit of keeping things factual as possible. I am often angry with myself but I know I can't change the past. When thinking about my past decisions I tell myself how I'd do things differently if I were to do them over, but this is such futile thinking that I don't know why I even play that silly game. To all my readers, if I've somehow mislead you by how I presented my facts in my personal stories, I apologize. It is not intentional as my stories are true as far I know in the moment when I tell them. All I know is that they are indeed factual, if nothing else.

Now, as always, I strive to be better than I was yesterday and hope to be better tomorrow than I am today.

Am I Homophobic?

Your dad was homophobic when we were together

TW/CW: topics of homophobia, transphobia, biphobia, lesphobia, classism, racism and sexual relations are mentioned.

That was a statement made by my ex-wife to my nonbinary child about myself regarding the fact that I'm currently transitioning. The short response is, No, I am not, but the more nuanced answer is, No, but I still struggle with internalized homophobia.

Each and every one of us probably struggles with internalized homophobia; myself, my ex-wife, my nonbinary kid and even the reader. And what my ex said is true, in part. When she met me I was much more homophobic than I am now, or have been for some time. What she fails to account for is that I didn't like myself when I was acting out of homophobia and had already been actively trying to change before I had even met her. But it's difficult to change a behaviour when it seems to normal. At least I had some good friends, coworkers and the odd instructor who wouldn't let me get away with my bullshit! So I changed and grew!

This is not to mention that homophobia felt like hating myself. I'm not homosexual but I am bisexual, and many of the things that bisexuals like are the same things. In addition I'm also trans. Being AMAB and bi or trans is automatically seen by heteronormative society as gay. An insult that got thrown at me quite a bit in junior high so by the time I went to university people using the epitaph gay on me had lost much of its effect. Though one girl I dated briefly did call me gay because I didn't attempt to have sex with her on the first date. That did hurt a bit but I honestly just felt really awkward trying to initiate anything with her parents just on the other side of the thin duplex wall. Ironically, hindsight informs me that if I had had sex with her that would probably have been gay in the lesbian sense.

Before my kids were born I had slain most of my demons regarding homophobia, transphobia, racism, sexism, classism, and etc…. This is not to say that I was perfect as I not only had internalized many of the above, I still had to, still do to this day, work on eliminating or overcoming my attitudes to people in all the listed groups. That said, I know that I'm getting better every day that I work on them. Somedays I trip and fall, backslide if you will, but the general trend is always tending towards improvement.

There's a lot more I could say about my attempts to come out to my ex-wife over the years of our marriage, issues where I was left of and more progressive than her, and her current choice in partners. But that would be bashing her and this is not the point of this post. Sometimes I was better than her, sometimes she was better than me. That's life, I'm trying to make my peace with her, my past self, and the future that I'm working towards. So, if my ex-wife ever reads this post: Honey, our sex was always as gay af!

more meanderings on atheism plus

I've been giving things a bit more thought and I think I have a more coherent take on Atheism Plus. Yesterday was the first time I ran across the term "Atheist Plus" and the turmoil it seemed to have caused some people.

Atheism Plus' Causes

First let's break down some of the causes listed by Atheism Plus, just so we are all talking about the same thing. I'm probably oversimplifying some of the causes here but please bear with me.

Atheism

A person is an atheist if they do not believe in a god. In strict terms this means a lack of belief in any god. That's it.

Care for Social Justice

Action to have a lack of justice in our society that disadvantages or harms others rectified.

Support Women's Rights

Action to have women treated as equals to men and to protect women from being harmed or disadvantaged simply for being female.

Protest Racism

Action to have people of all races treated as equal and protect any one race from being harmed or disadvantaged simply for being of that race.

Fight Homophobia and Transphobia

Action to have homosexuals and transexuals treated as equals to heterosexuals and to protect them from being harmed or disadvantaged simply for not being hetrosexual.

Use Critical Thinking and Skepticism

Actively using logic and evidence in order to make rational decisions about claims in order to protect oneself from accepting falsehoods.

Atheism WRT Causes

Some people contend that the above causes are natural outcomes of atheism. I'm not so inclined to agree. Lacking a belief in a god does not make one more likely to support these causes than would having a belief in said god.

If you support the above causes it's because you believe in supporting those causes for one reason or another. Certainly, most good people support one or more of the above be they theist or atheist.

Conversely, supporting one or more of these causes doesn't mean one is an atheist either. Possibly being involved with these causes may cause one to see things that will challenge one's faith, but it doesn't guarantee deconversion.

A Bit About Myself

I am a skeptic and critical thinker, I care about social justice, I support women's rights, I am against racism and I support Homosexuals and Transexuals in their cause for equality. I support the climate scientists and other environmental scientists in their fight against the forces of antiscience and corporate greed.

I'm also an atheist, none of the above causes increase or decrease my status as such. By Atheism Plus' Charter I could possibly be a member, but I don't know if I feel the need for another label.

Certainly, I think that any atheist involved in any of the above causes, where it's reasonably safe to do so*, should let the people they're working with know that they're atheist. Similarly, other atheists should support each other if they're working in these causes. Atheists should make it known when other atheists (again, when it's reasonably safe to do so*) are working in such causes so that the general public knows that many atheists are concerned about these things.

I think Atheism Plus is a good idea, but I don't know if it's necessary or even if it'll work. When Atheism Plus started there were some divisionary comments made, but to be fair they came from both sides. There have been atheists on both sides that haven't made things better and there are examples where atheists on both sides have been trying.

In the meantime, I'll keep reading, watching and listening. All the best whether you are an Atheist Plus member or not.

*Sometimes the atheist involved might have his or her safety compromised if the people they work with know they're atheists. Even if there aren't safety issues sometimes there are personal issues that could be complicated if one's atheism is exposed, especially if one isn't ready.

what the heck is atheism plus

(Please note that the following should be taken with a large helping of NaCl. I'm still researching Atheism + and lot of my ideas about it are still forming. I may have a totally new perspective on Atheism + come tomorrow.)

This is What Happens When You're Out of The Loop

c0nc0rdance posted the following video.

Apparently Atheism + (formally Atheism Plus) is causing some consternation among atheists. So, just what is Atheism +?

Declaration of Atheism+ on Ftb

The bloggers at FtB started the Atheism +. Richard Carrier posted an artcle Jen McCreight posted an article describing Atheism +.

In summary, Atheism + is:

We are…
Atheists plus we care about social justice,
Atheists plus we support women’s rights,
Atheists plus we protest racism,
Atheists plus we fight homophobia and transphobia,
Atheists plus we use critical thinking and skepticism.

Frankly, these are worthwhile goals. Personally, I'd put critical thinking and skepticism at the top as it was critical thinking and skepticism that lead me out of theism. When I think "atheist" I tend to think "naturalist" and "skeptic". I digress.

That said, let me examine these one-by-one from my own limited perspective on the whole Atheism + issue.

• Social Justice: I'm very concerned about issues like social justice. I see social issues around me all of the time and I do what I can when I can. However, someone not being concerned about social issues, or even denying social issues doesn't make one less an atheist. Uneducated perhaps, maybe ineducable in others, but not any less an atheist.
• Women's Rights: I consider myself a feminist. I have a wife that I love and who faces challenges in the working world simply for being female. I have three little girls and I worry about what kind of future they'll have. Women's issues weigh heavily in my life and it's important to me that the women in my life have equal opportunities and support. Again, even atheists that are misogynist pigs are still atheists. I agree that currently misogyny is the more pervasive and insidious of the two, but misandry exists and can't be ignored either.
• Racism: Again, an issue I see around me all of the time. Again, atheists that are racists are still atheists.
• Homophobia and Transphobia: Another prevalent issue. Same as above.
• Critical Thinking and Skepticism: Important skills to have, but many atheists aren't critical thinkers or skeptics. In fact, there exist superstitious and even religious atheists. They just don't believe in gods.

All of these issues are good, but what if one is an atheist and otherwise a very good person, except they fall short on one area? What if this atheist were a homophobe, or racist? Is every good thing they've done undone?

If these issues are important than one shouldn't be afraid to correct or admonish the individual in question. One could state how they think others should interact with this person if they don't change. From what I've seen so far, atheists who don't conform to Atheism +'s ideals seem to get quite strongly attacked (by the movement?).

Conclusion

Currently I have none. I'm still reading and trying to figure out what Atheism + means to me, if anything. Now you'll probably want some water from eating all of that salt. :-)